(1)
When I was in 9th grade I stayed at a school camp for 6 months called Glengarry. Here we did regular school like all other kids except that we lived in dorms in the Kangaroo Valley and in the afternoons and on the weekend we did a lot of outdoor activities. As you can imagine a lot of shit went down while we were there but probably one of the strangest was during a bike race one night when I was knocked off my bike by a kangaroo. I went over my handlebars and had little to no skin left on my arms and legs at the end of it. Seriously, a kangoaroo bounced over the fence and landed right on top of me. There was nobody around during this incident so few people believe me but it is the sincere truth.
I often tell foreigners about that incident but never Americans. My sister once had an American penpal who, when my sister told her that our Aunty was getting married, asked how on earth they got all the Kangaroos out of the way so they could have the ceremony. As a result I have been sceptical about all American's awareness of the rest of the world from a very young age. I don't tell this story to them in order to prevent fuelling their delusions.
Of course, many Americans I have met in the subsequent years have disproved my stereotype.
(2)
There is an Australian themed restaurant in America calkled the Outback Steakhouse. Basically, it is the perception of what Australia is like through American eyes. It is a nice place. But they have since branched out into Asia and there is an Outback Steakhouse restaurant where I wasliving in Nagoya Japan.
So there is an Australian themed restaurant, run by Americans in Japan....... Interesting.
(3)
I like to think there is more to me than my height. I understood in Japan that people might mention my height every time they saw me because I might very well have been the tallest person they'd ever met. But i drew the line when three guys came up to me in the shopping centre and tried to get a group of people together to take a photo with me. I'm not a circus freak or a clown so I politely refused. What I wanted to do was take his camera, shove it down my pants, take a photo of my penis and tell him to go home and show his mother that.
I wish I were a bastard cause that would have been so satisfying.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Banana Holders
I was walking through a dollar store the other day, which is incidentally where I like to do the lion's share of my christmas shopping, and they were having a sale on Banana holders. It struck me as an interesting concept, the Banana Holder. A few years ago when I first saw one I saw the name and thought, "I just use my hand." (to hold a banana) Then, when I realised it was a case in which to put your banana I thought, "Don't bananas come with their own natural casing and isn't that casing called skin?" Why on earth would you need another case in which to put your banana? What a pain in the arse.
What appealed to me the most though wasn't the genius of the invention, but the ingenious way they had advertised it. Did they go through the many benefits of owning a banana holder? No they didn't. They obviously assumed that everyone would simply understand that they needed one. Instead they had a bright big sign above them which stated, "HOLD'S 90% OF ALL BANANAS!" Bananas coming, as you know, in a variety of shapes and sizes, initial designs must have proven inadequate.
I'm thinking of creating a spherical plastic container 3ft in diametre and trumping them with a new generation of banana holder, the sign for which would state, "HOLDS 100% OF ALL BANANAS!" I think I'm on to something here. Early retirement here I come!
What appealed to me the most though wasn't the genius of the invention, but the ingenious way they had advertised it. Did they go through the many benefits of owning a banana holder? No they didn't. They obviously assumed that everyone would simply understand that they needed one. Instead they had a bright big sign above them which stated, "HOLD'S 90% OF ALL BANANAS!" Bananas coming, as you know, in a variety of shapes and sizes, initial designs must have proven inadequate.
I'm thinking of creating a spherical plastic container 3ft in diametre and trumping them with a new generation of banana holder, the sign for which would state, "HOLDS 100% OF ALL BANANAS!" I think I'm on to something here. Early retirement here I come!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
McDonald's robots
I was once refused mustard at McDonalds.
It doesn't really sound like anyhting at all until you start to think about how McDonalds usually operates. Then it sounds impossible. Everyone now is sarcastically asking the question: "Did a McDonalds employee, when you asked for some mustard, really just say no?" And you all think my answer will be, "Well, not in those exact words." But this isn't true. I asked for some mustard and the guy literally said no.
But what got me was the reasoning behind it. I ordered a value meal and politely asked for some mustard and was politely refused. When I asked why, I was told that I had not ordered any chicken nuggets, and mustard only comes with chicken nuggets. I said I would pay extra for the mustard. This was followed by a solid minute of gazing at the register. After which I was told that I couldn't pay extra for mustard because there was no mustard button on the register.
There was no mustard button on the register.
There was no mustard button on the register.
I'll had to let this one sink in.
There was no mustard button on the register.
Now, every Australian reading this blog is shaking their head with a wry smile of amusement. Every Japanese who is reading this is shaking their head, puzzled as to where the joke lies in this story and wondering why anyone would go into McDonalds and ask for mustard with anything but chicken nuggets. Because mustard simply doesn't come with anything but chicken nuggets.
That is a story of how the Japanese refusal to break the rules frustrated me while I was there. This next one is a story of how the Japanese refusal to break the rules fills my heart with joy.
I went snowboarding a lot in Japan. It is just fantastic. The snow is awesome and it is ridiculously cheap. For $30 I can get a return bus ticket from Nagoya to the slopes which includes the lift passes. And there is a lot of snow and all the runs are perfectly groomed. And the groomed area is what you are supposed to ski or board on, because the parts of the mountain that aren't groomed are dangerous. Like if you go on them little monsters are going to jump out of invisibles holes and pounce on you as you fly down the mountain. So there is about 5 metres from where the groomed track finishes to where the trees start. And NOBODY goes there. This means that at any given time, if you dare to venture even half a metre off the groomed track you could have a run of kilometres of untracked powder snow. You could then catch the lift up the top and figure 8 your own tracks because noone else will go there. Because if you lose control you could hit a tree and just imagine the consequences. Plus, there are signs telling you to stay on the groomed runs and you cannot go against what the signs say. I'd like to see how the majority of Japanese would go if they went toCanada and saw everyone searching for powder runs right through the trees. Admittedly they don't have pine trees in Japan and there is no way you could make it rhoguh their forests intact. But it was just fantastic. Kilometres of untracked powder snow because the sign tells them they can't go there.
It doesn't really sound like anyhting at all until you start to think about how McDonalds usually operates. Then it sounds impossible. Everyone now is sarcastically asking the question: "Did a McDonalds employee, when you asked for some mustard, really just say no?" And you all think my answer will be, "Well, not in those exact words." But this isn't true. I asked for some mustard and the guy literally said no.
But what got me was the reasoning behind it. I ordered a value meal and politely asked for some mustard and was politely refused. When I asked why, I was told that I had not ordered any chicken nuggets, and mustard only comes with chicken nuggets. I said I would pay extra for the mustard. This was followed by a solid minute of gazing at the register. After which I was told that I couldn't pay extra for mustard because there was no mustard button on the register.
There was no mustard button on the register.
There was no mustard button on the register.
I'll had to let this one sink in.
There was no mustard button on the register.
Now, every Australian reading this blog is shaking their head with a wry smile of amusement. Every Japanese who is reading this is shaking their head, puzzled as to where the joke lies in this story and wondering why anyone would go into McDonalds and ask for mustard with anything but chicken nuggets. Because mustard simply doesn't come with anything but chicken nuggets.
That is a story of how the Japanese refusal to break the rules frustrated me while I was there. This next one is a story of how the Japanese refusal to break the rules fills my heart with joy.
I went snowboarding a lot in Japan. It is just fantastic. The snow is awesome and it is ridiculously cheap. For $30 I can get a return bus ticket from Nagoya to the slopes which includes the lift passes. And there is a lot of snow and all the runs are perfectly groomed. And the groomed area is what you are supposed to ski or board on, because the parts of the mountain that aren't groomed are dangerous. Like if you go on them little monsters are going to jump out of invisibles holes and pounce on you as you fly down the mountain. So there is about 5 metres from where the groomed track finishes to where the trees start. And NOBODY goes there. This means that at any given time, if you dare to venture even half a metre off the groomed track you could have a run of kilometres of untracked powder snow. You could then catch the lift up the top and figure 8 your own tracks because noone else will go there. Because if you lose control you could hit a tree and just imagine the consequences. Plus, there are signs telling you to stay on the groomed runs and you cannot go against what the signs say. I'd like to see how the majority of Japanese would go if they went toCanada and saw everyone searching for powder runs right through the trees. Admittedly they don't have pine trees in Japan and there is no way you could make it rhoguh their forests intact. But it was just fantastic. Kilometres of untracked powder snow because the sign tells them they can't go there.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Japanese Onsens
I was once in an onsen in Japan. An onsen is an outdoor natural spa, though very few are actually natural these days. But it is like a tradition in Japan to get your kit off with your mates and take a bath together. I thought it would be strange but I was surprisingly ok with it so long as the bath was big and there didn't need to be any touching involved. Despite trying non-stop for four years I wasn't able to find any male/female communal onsens, nor was I able to convince any of the girls I knew to join me in my search. Anyway, while we were lying on our banana chairs and I was musing over how I came to be in such a confined area with so many naked men, an old man walked right in front of us, turned around, and with no regard for his audience proceeded to bend over and start his Tai Chi exercises. I gagged. And I suddenly got the feeling I wasn't in Kansas anymore.
Despite this first hiccup I actually became quite fond of the onsen and now that I'm back home, it is one of the many things I miss about the country. Bring on the Australian onsens!
Despite this first hiccup I actually became quite fond of the onsen and now that I'm back home, it is one of the many things I miss about the country. Bring on the Australian onsens!
In the Beginning
I have been alive now for 29 years and a bit. Roughly 10,670 days. 256,080 hours. 15,364,800 minutes. 921,888,000 seconds. (I've never done that conversion before) But as I feel a lot of stuff has happened in my life I thought I might start documenting it so I can remember the stories I like to tell in English class when the guys I'm teaching aren't really into it.
You have to understand that this blog will be filled with randomly stupid stuff that I do. And I warn you, there's a lot of it. I might start with a problem I had in my apartment. I was once making pasta. I got the spaghetti out of the cupboard, cut the end of it then as I was taking it over to the pot it all fell out. In itself that isn't a story anyone would tell, but I couldn't really understand how it happened. So i looked at the packet and found that both ends of the pasta packet had been cut off. I realised this was in fact the packet of pasta I had opened the night before.
This was when I came up with the idea of starting a reality show called "Matt at home." Viewers would simply watch the stupid shit I do at home and laugh at me. I saw a thing on the net one time called Corn Cam. These Iowa farmers set up some cameras and stream them so stressed office workers around America and the rest of the world can log on and watch corn grow...... Apparently it's relaxing. The website gets milions of hits a day. So I think if millions of people can watch that every day they might be interested in my show.
As this is the first of my posts I thought I'd put a few stories in. I lived in Japan. The first day I was there I got stuck in the bathtub. It took me ten minutes to get out because my fat arse was wedged in the bottom and I just didn't have the leverage. For a while there I had images of emergency crews taking the entire shower unit out through the window and scores of Japanese pointing at the naked lanky white guy stuck in the bathtub. It's not the first thing you want to happen to you when you visit a foreign land and I was contracted there for a year.
Anyway that's all I have time for. Hopefully I'll keep this updated regularly.
Cheerio. (that is an absolutely under-used word)
Matt.
You have to understand that this blog will be filled with randomly stupid stuff that I do. And I warn you, there's a lot of it. I might start with a problem I had in my apartment. I was once making pasta. I got the spaghetti out of the cupboard, cut the end of it then as I was taking it over to the pot it all fell out. In itself that isn't a story anyone would tell, but I couldn't really understand how it happened. So i looked at the packet and found that both ends of the pasta packet had been cut off. I realised this was in fact the packet of pasta I had opened the night before.
This was when I came up with the idea of starting a reality show called "Matt at home." Viewers would simply watch the stupid shit I do at home and laugh at me. I saw a thing on the net one time called Corn Cam. These Iowa farmers set up some cameras and stream them so stressed office workers around America and the rest of the world can log on and watch corn grow...... Apparently it's relaxing. The website gets milions of hits a day. So I think if millions of people can watch that every day they might be interested in my show.
As this is the first of my posts I thought I'd put a few stories in. I lived in Japan. The first day I was there I got stuck in the bathtub. It took me ten minutes to get out because my fat arse was wedged in the bottom and I just didn't have the leverage. For a while there I had images of emergency crews taking the entire shower unit out through the window and scores of Japanese pointing at the naked lanky white guy stuck in the bathtub. It's not the first thing you want to happen to you when you visit a foreign land and I was contracted there for a year.
Anyway that's all I have time for. Hopefully I'll keep this updated regularly.
Cheerio. (that is an absolutely under-used word)
Matt.
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